Tag - Keep Your Woman Secure Without Fighting

Keep Your Woman Secure Without Fighting

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Every woman wants to be with a man that makes them feel safe and secure. Nobody wants to date the man that makes them feel like they’ll have to jump into his fight because he can’t handle his own. Unless of course, she’s a hoodrat, in which case she might instigate a fight that you have no way of winning.

My advice? After age 18, don’t date hoodrats. The adventure just isn’t worth it.

Also, never date a woman with an intentionally visible tattoo of her name on her teeth, arm, or neck. That ALSO is not a good look.

I’ve digressed. Ah yes, security.

So what if you’re one of those cats who loves to throw around the cliché: I’m a lover not a fighter, except you really mean it. Like say you’re as prone to jump into a fight as you are to sleep with a Malyasian beaverhorse. Your woman still has to feel safe doesn’t she? She has to know that while the two of you are out, if anything goes down, you can handle it, right?

Right.

The term, fake it ‘til you make it comes to mind. So today, here at VSB HQ, we shall help you non-fighter men fake it ‘til you make it with a list of ways to guarantee that you’ll never have to fight to defend your girls honor (or prove your love) .

1. Only eat at restaurants that are frequented by older white patrons with something to lose.

TGIFridays is totally out. You see, by going to an upper-crust restaurant, you tend to be amongst people who, much like, you have about as much experience fighting as a panda bear held in a zoo wearing a Snuggie on a Tuesday after the summer solstice. Of course this might hurt your pockets and require you to know which one is the “salad” fork, but it’s a small price to pay. For one, she doesn’t know that you’re a punk, but she also doesn’t suspect that you’re not able to hold your own.

In that same vein…

2. Stay away from places that young people congregate.

It’s a well known fact that young people are tantamount to senseless violence. Everybody is ALWAYS trying to prove something, especially a group of young males (to include college age). The fact is, youth breeds ignorance and ignorance breeds fisticuffs – which you don’t have any of.

3. Be extremely funny and personable.

It’s hard to fight the funny guy. Everybody knows that humor is the best defense against ignorance. Actually, that’s not true at all, and if you believe that I have a Spacely Sprockett for sale. However, being funny generally guarantees that you won’t get into too many arguments. Mind you, be funny, not an asshole. Assholishness exponentially increases your beatdown probability. You want to stay on the lower end of that confidence interval. Plus, I also think that if you’re funny and personable, you’ll date a woman who’s at least similar in nature and neither of you will find yourselves shouting down a car with 4 men wearing similarly colored clothing and neck tattoos because they “cut you off” which, when you think about it is really a relative term anyway.

4. Be Proactive, like the Panthers, not like Diddy or them white kids.

This requires you to be a little bit smarter than the average bear, or at least have some foresight. If you see a situation that could even REMOTELY get out of control, you have to squash it before that happens. Usually, a transfer of emotions using say, humor (see #3) can do it. On the other hand, if its your girls fault – like say she decided to scream on somebody because they were “looking at her like they knew her” (which is hoodrat behavior, by the way) – then just leave her ass exactly where you found her all on dating site. I’m usually of the mind that if you pick her up, it is your responsibility to return her from whence she came. However, if she ALSO feels the same way, except from whence you came is on some ashes to ashes, dust to dust mess, well, all bets are off.

Hopefully she doesn’t know where you live.

5. Have enough family and friends with sketchy pasts to do all of your dirty work for you.

Of course, this requires them to be on call 24/7 and able to get there at the drop of a hat, which is highly unlikely. However, if this is at all possible, make it so. This way, you can protect your brand (and record) and your loyal-to-a-fault family can exercise their ignorance. It’s a win-win for everybody involved.

And if your girl wonders why you always get other people to fight your (physical) battles…leave her. She’s probably a hoodrat.